Before you read this, let me say that I am NOT minimizing the devastating impact and painful aspects of cancer or any other chronic or terminal disease.  Moreover, progress is being made in accepting alcoholism and addiction as a disease and thus the compassion for those who suffer from it. This is for discussion and meant to set a certain perspective up for view here.

If someone has cancer and they don’t treat it, most likely they’ll die. If someone with cancer is in remission, and their cancer returns, its sad and people support them unconditionally.

If someone has alcoholism and they don’t treat it, most likely they’ll die. I know, I see it all the time. Yet, if someone with alcoholism stays sober for a while then drinks again, they’ve “fallen off the wagon“, “don’t want it bad enough” , “have no will-power“,  “or just aren’t ready.”

I say bullshit. Can you imagine someone saying that to a cancer patient who’s cancer returns? “Guess they’re not ready and or just don’t want it bad enough…”

With shows such as A&E’s Intervention, the public perception of alcoholism and addiction is changing. This is a good thing, especially since it is making it more acceptable for those who have issues with addiction to ask for help.

The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA) a part of the National Institutes of Health, answers the question:

Is alcoholism a disease?

Yes, alcoholism is a disease. The craving that an alcoholic feels for alcohol can be as strong as the need for food or water. An alcoholic will continue to drink despite serious family, health, or legal problems.

Like many other diseases, alcoholism is chronic, meaning that it lasts a person’s lifetime; it usually follows a predictable course; and it has symptoms. The risk for developing alcoholism is influenced both by a person’s genes and by his or her lifestyle. (See also “Publications,” Alcohol Alert No. 30: Diagnostic Criteria for Alcohol Abuse and Dependence.)

A Look at The Disease Concept from An Alcoholic

Even though in treatment I was told alcoholism was a disease, it was hard for me to accept. A part of me wanted to hold on to the idea that I could control my drinking, thus rejecting the entire disease concept. Each time I would end up at a new bottom, I slowly started to accept that maybe it was a disease after-all.

Finally, in my last treatment visit in March of 2006, I simply conceded to myself, that if I could start to accept the disease concept, maybe it meant I wasn’t a total peace of shit after-all. Now this may seem sort of like a paradox, that by blaming my terrible alcoholic actions on a disease, I’m avoiding responsibility. Or maybe this is just an alcoholic getting into their head too much, but for me it was an important step towards recovery.

I had such low-self esteem as the result living years of self-destructive behavior. Now, it’s important to point out that this is NOT what I showed on the inside. And for the most part, not what I believed about myself on the inside. Alcoholism is the only disease that continually tries to convince those who suffer from it that they DO NOT have it. Conversely, I had what I was showing the world on the outside, confused with what I was feeling on the inside. As long as I had my shit together, I was OK. Truth was, inside I was dying a slow painful death. I can clearly look back and see that about myself today. Compared to the peace and happiness I have inside today, it’s night and day.

There’s some dialog in the movie 28 Days that sort of puts into perspective the mindset of an alcoholic or addict. The person speaking is Steve Bushimi’s character, Cornell:

“If that will make you happy, I will stop drinking. And then I would tell myself tonight I will not get wasted. And then something would happen. Or nothing would happen. And I’d get that feeling and you all know what that feeling is; when your skin is screaming and your hands are shaking and your stomach feels like it wants to jump through your throat. And you know that if anyone had a clue how wrong it felt to be sober, they wouldn’t dream of asking you to stay that way. They would say oh geez, I didn’t know. It’s okay for you. Do that mound of cocaine. Have a drink. Have 20 drinks. Whatever you need to do to feel like a normal human being, you do it. And boy I did it. I drank and I snorted. I drank and snorted. I drank and snorted. And I did this day after day, day after day, night after night. I didn’t care about the consequences because I knew they couldn’t be half as bad as not using. And then one night something happened. I woke up. I woke up on a sidewalk and I had no idea where I was. I couldn’t have told you what city I was in. And my head was pounding and I looked down and my shirt is covered in blood. And as I’m lying there wondering what happens next and I heard a voice. And it said man, this is not a way to live. This is a way to die.”

Many nights I prayed for cancer. As I write this, I feel that maybe those who have been deeply affected by cancer think I’m making light of their fear, pain, suffering, and struggles. How could someone wish that? The alcoholic depression, fear, and self-loathing was so much I prayed for death. I slept under a bridge with hopes of being mugged. I would walk through the seedy part of downtown with my bag of liquor and nice wool coat, thinking how easy it would be if someone just robbed and shot me dead. And I prayed that I would die in my sleep or get cancer. At least with cancer people would say, “that’s so terrible, he was a great guy” and I could get love and sympathy, OH, and drugs!! What a way to go. Drinking myself to death was just pathetic.

On the night of March 12th, 2006, I had finally ran out of alcohol and was too weak to walk the two blocks to the liquor store. Besides, the vodka just wouldn’t go down anymore. When the poison touched my throat, it burned and immediately sent my throat and esophagus into convulsions. I would try and follow it with water, but I couldn’t swallow it quick enough.

I had tried treatment centers a few times before and just figured I was too broken. Plus I owed them a lot of money already. Surely they wouldn’t take me back. So the way I saw it, I had two choices; suicide or try recovery again. Suicide was a real option and I totally understand why so many people choose it. Sometimes it’s better for people to just get some relief. What that said, I do think NOT committing suicide was one of the first real unselfish things I did.

One way or another, alcoholism will kill me if I leave it untreated. In recovery, I surround myself with people who understand the disease. Who won’t completely shut me out and judge me if I show symptoms of my disease. Symptoms like drinking. As I’m writing this, I haven’t had a drink in 1,334 days. Yes, there’s an “app” for that

Some people…(OK, I’ve read and heard people say it so I know it’s out there)… believe that alcoholism treatment centers are only there to make money off information and programs most alcoholics and addicts can get for free through AA or NA.  As I’ve said before, Alcoholism Treatment centers are great places for discovery, but recovery happens as a result of the type of program you work when you get out of treatment. True long-term sobriety comes from spiritual and holistic growth, however you go about getting that.

The amazing thing about recovery and the disease of alcoholism, is that as I help others and become a useful member of society “AS” a recovered alcoholic, I represent those who are still drinking and have a chance. I sponsor a lot of guys, sometimes more than others, and the majority of them go back out. Many come back, and some I never hear from again. But I always tell them the same thing if and when they come back, “just stay alive.” As long as you’re alive, there’s a chance.

photo credit: David Paul Ohmer

Let’s say me and my friend Steve are going to meet down at the local bar everynight at 5:00 p.m. for the next 90 days in a row. Our goal is to get drunk. But all we do is sit there and look at the bottles lining the wall behind the bartender. We talk about how drunk we’re going to get when we lift that bottle up to our mouths and feel that warm whiskey running down our throats and into our blood. But again, all we do is talk about it. We don’t ask the bartender to help us or pour us anything, all we do is talk. Then we wonder why we’re not getting drunk. Must be the bartenders fault of course, isn’t that his job… to get us drunk?

OK, now say I’ve been getting in trouble with the law for awhile now. A few DUI”s or whatever, let’s just say that drinking alcohol has really gotten me into a lot of trouble. People keep telling me I should go to Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) or a treatment program for my problem. Finally I decide to do something about it, at least to get everyone off my back. Then I hear the people in AA and the treatment center suggesting I go to 90 AA meetings in 90 days. So I do that, I go to 90 meetings in 90 days. I sit there and listen to everyone talking about their issues and how great or terrible their life is. I come out of a few meetings feeling something, maybe if anything I’ve forgotten about all my problems for an hour.

But all I do is listen to what everyone is saying. I take no action. I don’t do anything they suggest, like get a sponsor and work the steps. Consequently, I do not get the desired effect I am seeking, like serenity and inner peace.

It is possible to come out of AA meetings feeling, but that is different than healing. If you truly are an alcoholic like me, than we need to find some healing. Feeling only lasts for so long, then we’re drunk again. What we really need is some real healing that comes with truly working a recovery program. You see, the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous are like the bottles on the shelf behind the bartender. If we do not take the action which will get us the desired results, we’re not going to get better.

The story about the two guys, the bar, and 90 meetings and 90 days was inspired by an AA speaker I heard by the name of Giuseppe. I just wanted people to know I did not come up with that brilliant analogy by myself. Actually, when you think about it, most of the things we learn are from someone else right? So why not go get something from someone who has something you want? Like true recovery.

Like the saying goes, “if you want something you’ve never had, you must do something you’ve never done.” For me, that something was surrender and ask for help.

Check out About Alcoholism Treatment for more on alcoholism

Wanna know how to stop drinking?

There is a saying around recovery that says, “if you want to stop drinking, at some point you have to stop drinking.” Sounds easy doesn’t it? People often ask, “why don’t you just stop?”

They just don’t understand.

For years I was stuck in a similar situation. And I mean for years! There were two things that I hated more than anything else; the way things were, and change.  If you have been trying to stop drinking then you know what I’m talking about.

The first step to stop drinking is wanting to stop. Hold on! How do you get there? Believe me, it’s hard… really hard. In my case, the pain of the way things were finally outweighed the fear of trying something different. At that point in time “something different” was simply trying to live one day at a time without alcohol.

Sure there were times when I “thought” I wanted to stop. The morning after a night out when filled with quilt and remorse. I’d swear I wasn’t going to go out that night. But as quitting time neared and everyone started talking about where they were going out to drink, that mornings promise and feelings lost all importance. So I would do it all over again. So how does one really get to a point where they truly want to stop drinking and seek some type of alcoholism treatment?  In my experience, one word; pain. Emotional pain, physical pain, spiritual pain, you name it, any type of pain that reaches a point to where it is unbearable.

I have been to an alcoholism treatment center on three different occasions. Each time I entered them for different reason. In my opinion, each reason had something to do with the amount of success I had in staying sober upon leaving. The reasons I entered treatment were for the following reasons in this order; 1. My job, 2. My marriage, and 3. My life. I have been sober since the last time I entered treatment. I believe there to be a direct correlation with the fact I entered treatment the last time for myself and no one else. I was afraid of dying, period.

Finding recovery is different for everyone. Some find it through an alcoholic intervention. I have heard that some people got sober for their families, but in my experience that did not work. I was not desperate enough to go to any length to stay sober until my life was seriously threatened.

So how was my life threatened? As the progression of alcoholism increases the more I drink, the more I suffer from depression. Depression fueled by so much guilt and remorse for drinking that it becomes unbearable. During my last bottom the only “real” solution to my problem, as I saw it at the time, was suicide. That is where drinking takes me, deep alcohol depression. So the last time I entered a treatment program, I was desperate to save my life.

I have been sober and working a rigorous recovery program since the last time I left an alcohol treatment center. I work my recovery program ever single day to the best of my ability. My life today is better than I could have ever imagined. I am truly, truly grateful.

Thanks for reading. For more on spiritual growth and my journey, check out my other site Spiritual Zen.

Treatment centers and recovery programs are two different things.

Treatment centers
Treatment is considered the process of going to a facility such as an inpatient rehabilitation center or an Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP). Treatment centers are designed to help the alcoholic deal with the immediate issues of coming off the influence of alcohol, both emotional and physical. Often the detoxification process is done at a separate facility such as a hospital or designated detox center which is better equipped to deal with the physical and/or medical side-effects of detoxification.

Alcoholism treatment centers offer education and training on how to incorporate a recovery program into the alcoholic’s life. A common saying around recovery is “treatment is a great place for discovery, Alcoholics Anonymous(AA) is a the place for recovery.” Personally, I have been through a treatment center three times. I can say that if there hadn’t been a place I knew I could go to (treatment center), I might not be around today. Sure AA was there, but I still felt like an outsider because I hadn’t embraced the recovery life outside of treatment yet.

There are some who feel treatment centers are only around to make money, that everything an alcoholic needs to recover can be found in AA. Personally, I do not agree with that while I do see the point they’re trying to make. More than likely, they have never been to treatment and found everything they needed in AA, or they’ve had a bad exerperience with a certain treatment facility. Everyone’s path to sobriety is different, mine happens to include inpatient treatment centers, so naturally I tend to see them as a valuable part of my early recovery.

In-patient treatment center programs range anywhere from a few days, months, to even years. The most common time being 28 Days. While there, the patient is introduced to the disease of alcoholism and educated on the process of recovery. In the treatment centers I have been in, the patients are encouraged to attend local AA meetings in hopes of helping them begin a routine once they’re discharged.

Recovery Program
A recovery program is the on-going process and actions taken by someone in recovery long after they have left a treatment facility or have stopped drinking. Most recovery programs involve some type of ongoing support group such as AA. From my experience as a recovering alcoholic, AA is the only recovery program that has worked for me. Abstinence is not recovery. Not in my opinion. There was a period in my life where I stopped drinking for over six years, but since I was not working any type of recovery program, the day came when I drank again. The disease of alcoholism is progressive, once you have the disease, it only gets worse if left untreated, never better.

A recovery program may consist of, but is not limited to; therapy, relapse prevention, spiritual and/or holistic growth, structural changes, and service work. It is often said that if you truly want to recover, you don’t need to change much, just everything. One of the amazing things of a recovery program is the opportunity the person in recovery gets to help others. A common trait of those who maintain long-term sobriety is their willingness to help other alcoholics. Only an alcoholic can truly understand what it means to be an alcoholic.

Most people are familiar with The Twelve Step Program of Alcoholics Anonymous. The program is designed to help the alcoholic develop a spiritual life, ego deflation, deal with their past, move on into their future, and is considered a design for living based on a set of spiritual principles.

A successful recovery program will continue to enhance the individuals life which will become much greater than it ever was while drinking. That has been my experience so far in my recovery. It continues to evolve as does my outlook on life. It continues to get better.

Personally, my recovery program consists of anything and everything it takes to stay sober.